Um, where am I?

Extra Appendage

My cousin is having a baby. She had her ultrasound yesterday. This is how she announced the sex to me: extra appendage! :D In other words, it's a boy. This has me reminiscing...

Wavey lines, fade up dark ultrasound room sometime in early 2003...

Tech "Well are you two sure you want to know?"
D "Yes"
Tech "Right there, it's a boy!"
D "YES!!!" (Literally jump in the air and starts dancing)
Me "Oh good"
(I start quietly crying, turn my face a way from the tech and let a wave of guilt wash over me.)

See I had wanted a girl sooooooo badly. I had even convinced myself I was having a girl. But it was a he. And shouldn't I be happy. After all D, my darling husband, was over the top happy. And everything looked good. 10 fingers, 10 toes. But I wasn't happy, and I felt VERY guilty for my lack of happiness.

Now, Don't get me wrong... I love my son. And after I came to terms with the whole "he" issue, I did become happy with him. And after I had him, there was no way I would have traded him for a girl in the whole-wide world. God knew what he was doing and gave me the baby I needed right then, and also the little boy I need so much right now.

Back to reminiscing...
Wavey lines, Fade into car driving down highway, Fall 2005...

Me crying to myself, D sitting in pasenger seat brooding, Son asleep in back. We had had another fight about "her" and us and all I can say to myself is "WHAT AM I DOING HERE???" I am driving to my ultrasound, about to fine out if my baby is ok, and hopefully what "it" is. I should be happy, or at least nervous about some silly health problem. But no! I am miserable because I can only presume he is still seeing her, and all he wants to talk about is house cleaning. He has me so upset, I shouldn't even be driving! I should be packing, I feel like this is all over.

I am crying again. This time because the receptionist lady was super rude! I don't even want to have my ultrasound here now. D to the resuce. He handels the situation and defuses the bomb. Back to a dark room, complete with Tech and all:

D "Is that the head?"
Tech "Yeah, and it's pretty big. Didn't you look at the size of his head before you married him?"
Me "Not close enough. Do we know the sex yet?"
Tech "Well, we know that this kid is gonna be smart, because girls are smarter than boys."
Me "Seriously? You can tell? It's a girl?"
Tech "Yes ma'am. You are going to have a daughter."
D (to our son) "See there, it's your sister."

But somehow, I just wasn't as happy as I thought I would have been. Too much had happened, too much was happening. And all I could think was: "I am sorry little girl. I am sooo sorry."

Now I sit typing with my beautiful baby girl on my chest. I couldn't love her more. There is not a single thing I would change about the last three years if it meant I would not have my children just as they are right now. I know God has a plan, and like my son is perfect for me and my daughter is perfect for me, He will provide just what I need. But I am still sooo sorry...

posted by H F J @ 8:16 AM