From 5/18 ~ I am way behind in posting!
I just watched “Continental Divide” with John Belushi…The scene where she’s getting on the train, Ella, the heroine… and Ernie says
“Call me before you go up the mountain. I want to hear your voice tomorrow, you understand?!?”
He was so painful, longing, pleading, vulnerable…
WOW!!! ~ There will come a day when I won’t hear “his” voice anymore and although the last three years have been insanely rough and my emotions are terribly mixed ~ this still makes me pause and it brings tears to my eyes.
I don’t understand how I am still paying such a high price for his sins!!! I hesitate to bemoan how unfair this is. I truly desire to carry my cross and offer my suffering to God as is His will… but still it is terribly frustrating. Why doesn’t is all magically go away? Why can’t my feelings of love just turn off? I have large depths of anger and hurt. But I am scared of tapping into those ~ scared I will become bitter or give into rage. So I stay sad? So I must continue to ride the wave of painful numbness? I supposed this is grief. I supposed it takes time.
Ok, so I just wait. ~ and Pray. Pray and wait. ~ and breath… Pray and Wait and Breathe.
JMJ – please pray for us.
posted by H F J @ 11:17 AM
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